Pilfering the archives of an old website I made in 2013.

by John D’oh!

Satan with the deed to your soul.

Area man John D’oh!, rocked by the ’08 economic collapse, a mortgage underwater and an untimely midlife crisis, watched in disbelief as his youthful ideals faded into oblivion in recent months.

Besieged by memories of a happier time (even though everyone around him tries to remind him he was always miserable), girlfriends lost and career choices forsaken, Mr. D’oh! is perpetually haunted by advice given him from a colleague who has since achieved marked success in the same industry in which they started as pups.

“You have to sell your soul in this business,” the colleague said with a big fat grin on his face.

“I’ll never do that,” said the idealistic Mr. D’oh!, then in his twenties and fresh out of grad school where he received an MFA, a degree which has absolutely no value.

D’oh! proceeded to live the next 2 decades in a kind of denial masquerading as idealism. His older self now realizes “it was a roundabout way to avoid the necessary hardships on the way to achieving something worthwhile. Don’t get me wrong: I wanted to succeed, I just didn’t want to work too hard for it. I was sort of sub-consciously hoping it’d just happen. I now realize the odds are about the same as a meteorite striking me in the head…which ironically is the way I’ll probably go.”

Looking back on it, D’oh! surmises that if he had actually sold his soul he would be on the way to semi-retirement before 50 and be able to enjoy such things as golf, fishing and napping in a hammock rather than the constant feeling of starting over.

“Selling one’s soul is just a euphemism. No one really believes you’re destined to spend eternity in eternal damnation with Satan up in your grill laughing about how he’s now the keeper of your soul. There’s probably no such thing anyway. Now I’m feeling the effects of having clung to that youthful idealism.  It was just a big, fat, inflated ego.  I should have ‘sold my soul’ looking back on it. I feel like a missed a great opportunity.”

D’oh! still has a ways to go before he checks into the Wooden Waldorf so, god willing, maybe he’ll get a second chance.